I've been resurrecting posts from my old blog, but I feel like adding something new today. I went to my group today. (I highly recommend groups! 12 step, support, classes, whatever.) And the topic today was resentment. The quote that came to my mind was Buddha's words, "Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die."
Since internalizing that quote and accepting certain realities, I don't struggle with resentment so much any more. The realities I've accepted are these:
1. I can't control what other people do or think.
2. What other people think of me is none of my business.
3. How I react to what other people do is up to me.
4. If someone is hateful and hurtful, they are probably hurting themselves. I feel more sympathy than resentment for people like that.
5. If I do get hurt or injured by someone else's actions or words, I have a lesson to learn from it.
Accepting these little nuggets of wisdom liberates me. I'm grateful for that.
Thursday, April 10, 2014
Value of Life: Written September 16, 2011
How do you - how CAN you - define your value as a human being? Does your life have value just for being a life? If you don't have a fulfilling career, does your life have value? If you have no money, does your life have value? If you do nothing to help anyone in any way, does your life have value? If you do something bad, does your life have value? If you take another life, does YOUR life have value? Who gets to decide that? If your life loses its value, can the value be regained?
Someone said to me recently that I needed to find my intrinsic value, separate and apart from what I do for others . . . separate and apart from what others think about me or feel for me. And I must confess, I'm at a loss. I know . . . I know . . . I have value as a human being. I believe that my lifeforce is a part of something greater: souls, connected energy. (I recognize that some of you don't believe that and would love to know your take on this topic.) But I really struggle with applying that to my everyday existence. Honestly, I find it difficult to wrap my head around what my value is, if it's not as a mother, wife, sister, daughter, friend, volunteer, performer, leader, advocate, community member . . . By just existing I have value? Why? What is it?
What if I haven't been born yet? Do I have value if my mom doesn't want me? Does her value outweigh mine? Does she get to decide whether I live or die? If so, for how long? Do some white men in suits or robes on Capitol Hill get to decide? For how long?
What if I'm in a coma? I'm probably not going to wake up. Does that mean my life has lost its value? Can it be regained if the probability that I will wake up goes up by 10%? 20%? 50%? When does my life get its value back?
What if I'm a poor black man who killed someone? Do I have value if a jury of my "peers," who are mostly white, middle-class people, decide I don't? Should they be allowed to decide whether I live or die? Is my life worth less than theirs? If so, when did it lose its value? Was it when I was born black? Was it when I lost all my money? Was it in the moment I lost control and killed someone? Or was it when a jury of mostly middle-class, white people was impaneled to hear my trial?
What if I'm a cow? Does my life have value, or only my flesh and the milk I produce? Why? When did my life lose value? When I was born a calf? When I became an adult cow? What makes the value of my life less than that of your dog? We both have four legs. Neither one of us speaks human (with the possible exception of those dogs who howl "I love youuuu!"). Whose to say your dog wouldn't taste good on a bun with ketchup? Why are you looking at me like that? Oh, I see. Your dog has value because he's YOUR dog. You have formed a relationship with him and now he has value, because of his relationship to you.
And we come back around to my initial point. Outside of what I offer other people, why do I have value? What would I have to do to lose it? Who decides?
Man, these are tough questions with no obvious answers. That's why abortion, death penalty, euthanasia, war, health care, human rights, and animal rights are such controversial issues. We all think OUR point of view on the value of life is the just and moral view.
"Clearly all life has value, as long as the person hasn't killed someone. Then it's 'eye for an eye'."
"Clearly all life has value, as long as it hasn't been born yet."
"Clearly all life has value, unless you're from THAT country. Then you deserve to have a bomb dropped on you."
"Clearly all life has value, unless you're asleep for a long time. Then you're better off dead."
"Clearly all life has value, unless you have no health insurance. Then you deserve to die."
"Clearly all life has value, except non-human life. Oh, but that doesn't apply to my cat."
I put these thoughts out there not to try and convince anyone of anything, but in the hope that maybe someone will see another person's perspective and not be so quick to judge and hate. I leave you with the perspective of Henry David Thoreau:
“There is no value in life except what you choose to place upon it and no happiness in any place except what you bring to it yourself.”
The 10 Things You MUST Do to Be Thin and Healthy, Including the Two That I Don't: Written January 11, 2012
[4-10-14 ETA: Now, even the whole wheat piece is suspect! Gluten is apparently the enemy.]
Everyday, I receive 6-8 emails related to health and wellness. I "like" easily that many pages on diet tips, health, exercise, meditation, and motivation. I've read dozens of books and magazines on these subjects. I watch programs on health and fitness; I go to classes; I take it all in.
Behold some of the advice I've heard and read over the years: cut carbs, cut fat, alternate cutting carbs and fat, cut sugar, cut salt, cut preservatives, eat more protein, eat less meat, count calories, don't count calories, weigh yourself daily, never weigh yourself, eat lean meats, don't eat red meat, eat only seafood, eat eggs, go vegan, eat nuts, don't eat nuts, lift weights, do aerobics, dance, run, don't run, swim, meditate sitting, meditate lying down, do tai chi, do yoga, do P90X, take this vitamin, add these supplements, eat these super foods, drink this health shake, drink this much water, drink diet soda, don't drink artificially sweetened soda, don't drink soda at all, do drink coffee, don't eat sweets, eat dark chocolate, eat low-cal sweets, eat anything that comes from nature, think thin, think healthy, avoid the sun, get at least 20 minutes of sun, wear sun block, use this moisturizer, use this cleanser, brush before meals, brush after meals, floss, chew gum, don't chew gum, do Weight Watchers, do Atkins, do Jenny Craig, do Belly Fat Cure, do South Beach, do Sensa, do Medifast, do Beach Body, do Nutrisystem, get a Lap Band procedure, take these pills, don't take those pills . . . HELP!! I'm drowning in health and fitness advice!!!!
I'm sure that if you stick to any one person's program for a few weeks, you'll see results in weight loss. The real question is, what works in the long term for both fitness and health? For anyone who resolved this year to be healthier, here are the ten things I've seen consistently across almost every health and fitness plan, including the two I have been most challenged by over the years:
1. Eat lots of vegetables and fruit. No fitness plan worth its salt (which can be bad for you have too much, by the way!) excludes vegetables and fruit. Not just any fruit vegetables, though. They should be nutrient-rich, if you really want every bite to count. A good rule of thumb is to eat all the colors you can find: yellow (like squash), orange (like orange bell peppers and oranges), red (tomatoes and apples), purple (like eggplant and some berries), grey (like mushrooms), and of course lots of greens (like spinach, broccoli, and kale). Vegetables fill you up, nourish you, and fight many different kinds of diseases. Those high in antioxidants are crucial for good health.
2. Move your body! Get some kind of exercise as often as you can, preferably at least five days a week. To really stick with it, make it something fun. I love to dance, so for me, belly dancing and Zumba not only are helping me lose weight (I've lost 11 pounds since September!), but they fill my spirit and give me joy. Exercise gets those endorphins going and gives you energy. Bonus: When you're done, you feel fantastic!
3. Meditate. I probably sound like a broken record talking about this again, but it's truly key. If you can quiet your mind for a few minutes a day and just focus on your breath, you give your body permission to focus on what's important: getting healthy, finding serenity, healing, loving others, etc. Meditation makes your mind stronger and better able to do all the things you know you need to do.
4. Sleep. Again, your body needs to time to recharge. Sleep allows your body to heal and build energy. When you sleep less, you have less energy and your metabolism slows. Your body will crave food to build the energy back up. Beauty Sleepland says that the two hormones that are key in this process are ghrelin and leptin. “Ghrelin is the ‘go’ hormone that tells you when to eat, and when you are sleep-deprived, you have more ghrelin,” Breus says. “Leptin is the hormone that tells you to stop eating, and when you are sleep deprived, you have less leptin.” More ghrelin plus less leptin equals weight gain. That, and your awake more hours and thus may eat more just by virtue of being awake and grumpy or sad (due to lack of sleep!). Shoot for 7.5 hours a night.
5. Control your portions. For Americans, this one can be tough. Nothing you eat in one sitting should be a foot long! Every meal (which you need at least three of) should have no more than a fist-sized portion of carbs and meat. Feel free to double up on the fruit and veggies, though.
6. Eat whole wheat. Dr. Oz did this lovely demonstration on what happens to white carbs in our digestive system. I'll just say EWWWWW. Whole wheat and fiber, however, keep the body functioning as it should to clean out your system. Try substituting as many carbs as you can stand with whole wheat - breads, pasta, cereals. And eat brown rice, rather than white. But don't be fooled by "multigrain." If it doesn't say whole wheat, it isn't.
6. Eat whole wheat. Dr. Oz did this lovely demonstration on what happens to white carbs in our digestive system. I'll just say EWWWWW. Whole wheat and fiber, however, keep the body functioning as it should to clean out your system. Try substituting as many carbs as you can stand with whole wheat - breads, pasta, cereals. And eat brown rice, rather than white. But don't be fooled by "multigrain." If it doesn't say whole wheat, it isn't.
7. Get lots of protein. Especially right after you exercise. Legumes and nuts (or are nuts legumes?) come highly recommended. Do watch how many nuts you eat, though, because they are highly caloric. Eggs are on most lists, though some recommend whites only. Lean meats are ok, so long as they're organic, free range, and locally grown. Otherwise, you may be getting a lot of unhealthy hormones and toxins. Protein will contribute to your metabolic rate (calorie burning!), help sustain and improve muscle fitness, improve immunity, improve antioxidant function, build HDL Cholesterol, and enhance insulin and leptin function.
8. Drink lots of water and no soda. Water helps control hunger, clean out the toxins, even make your skin look better. Great benefits. Soda, on the other hand, has no benefits and makes you retain water! Plus, diet sodas are now being shown to make people fatter! The artificial sweetener actually makes you crave and eat sweets MORE. Who knew?! For this reason, and just because I didn't want to keep pouring unknown chemicals down my throat two and three times a day every day, I quit soda about a year ago. It was hard, but I feel great about it! - Interestingly, the caffeine is not one of the problems. Turns out caffeine actually helps you lose weight, but get it from coffee and tea instead.
And now for the two that kick me in the ass . . .
9. Eliminate junk food. Dr. Oz will tell you that baked sweet potato fries are a great substitute for steak fries, or that a square or two of dark chocolate should take care of that chocolate craving (with bonus antioxidants!). But as much as I'm able and willing to stuff myself full of nutrients all day long, at the end of the long day, I still REALLY want that chocolate chip cookie, followed by two more chocolate chip cookies. Habit. Emotional eating. Whatever the reason, I have not yet quite overcome this one. I'm better, but not cured.
9. Eliminate junk food. Dr. Oz will tell you that baked sweet potato fries are a great substitute for steak fries, or that a square or two of dark chocolate should take care of that chocolate craving (with bonus antioxidants!). But as much as I'm able and willing to stuff myself full of nutrients all day long, at the end of the long day, I still REALLY want that chocolate chip cookie, followed by two more chocolate chip cookies. Habit. Emotional eating. Whatever the reason, I have not yet quite overcome this one. I'm better, but not cured.
10. Eat mindfully, not emotionally. If I could commit to this one, I know I could get down to college weight. I just know it! The idea here is that you fully experience every bite you eat, to the exclusion of all else. No eating and watching TV. No stuffing a handful of chips in your mouth. No wolfing down a candy bar because you're bored. Eat when you start to feel hungry. Chew each bite slowly and thoroughly, experiencing the taste and texture. When you start to feel full, stop. So simple, yet so darn difficult for me!
I imagine if you're like me, none of this is news. But I feel better putting it down all in one place as a reminder. Thanks for reading, and Happy New Year once again!
Stimulation Addiction and Emotional Eating: Written January 26, 2012
I don't drink, don't smoke. What do I do, Adam Ant? Well, I'll tell you. I eat sweets. Way too many sweets. Yes, I am a goody, goody two shoes (Google it, kids under 40). But my addiction to chocolate and cookies comes from the same place someone else's addiction to drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, shopping, "Angry Birds," life-risking behavior, or pornography comes from. We're medicating pain, boredom, sadness, stress and frustration with these substances and experiences.
Here are some science words that I stole from people who understand what they mean: amygdala, nucleus accumbens, ventral tegmental area, cerebellum, pituitary gland. These are the primary parts of the brain impacted by pleasure. More science words: opiates, dopamine, endorphins, serotonin, theobromin and phenylethalamine. These are some of the lovely hormones and neurotransmitters released in the brain that make us feel happiness and pleasure. The "reward circuit" in our brains causes us to want to repeat the actions that caused the pleasure. This can be anything from eating decadent foods to drinking alcohol to having sex to laughing to exercising to doing drugs to looking at Facebook. I'm grouping all these things and other activities that trigger the pleasure center of the brain into the category of "stimulation." Bottom line IMHO: We are addicted to being stimulated.
What I know about addiction is that it's stronger than will power. The foods that I'm addicted to - sugar and chocolate - release opiates and dopamine. When I'm doing a boring task (like housework or bills), or when I've just fought with a loved one, or when I'm working against a deadline, the quick fix I get from popping a cookie (or five) into my mouth overpowers the script in my head ("A moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips!"). My mom doesn't get this ("Sweets are for kids!") in the same way many of us don't get why people ruin their lives with cocaine. Why would you DO that? Because the decision is not made with your head. Well, it is, but not from the thinking part. Hormones take over - just like they do when pregnant women scream at husbands that they have to have steak NOW, even though they're vegetarians.
So stop beating yourself up for not having will power, and start doing the *real* work. You can't just stop being addicted. You have to find out what's behind the addiction, find healthy ways to experience pleasure, get support, figure out your triggers, and learn how to manage and sit with negative emotions. Most importantly, you have to love yourself enough to give yourself the gift of health and healing. This one is tough for many of us who don't believe we're worthy of love, let alone our own love! I'm working through a fantastic book on just this issue: A Course in Weight Loss: 21 Spiritual Lessons for Surrendering Your Weight Forever
. Marianne Williamson guides you through exercises, meditations, and journaling aimed at healing yourself and replacing your dysfunctional relationship with food with a healthy one.
. Marianne Williamson guides you through exercises, meditations, and journaling aimed at healing yourself and replacing your dysfunctional relationship with food with a healthy one.
If food is not your thing, there is a book for you, and a therapist, and a 12-step program. Lots of resources. All you have to do is decide it's time to get the help. When you're ready, you'll know. And then I wish you the best of luck. Go with God, my friends.
Pursuit of Happiness: Written October 7, 2011
Happiness comes from within. You've heard that a million times. I've heard that a million times. But what does it mean? Where within is it? How do you find it? How do you find it if you're sick? If you're lonely or grieving? If you're broke, scared, or hurting?
Happiness is relatively easy to find when you feel healthy, your relationships are healthy, you have enough money, and things are going smoothly in your life. Even then, though, sometimes you get in a funk and start a pity party. "My job is boring." "My kids won't listen." "My house is too small." "My stomach is too big." "Exercise is challenging." "Housework is tedious." "Marriage (or dating or parenting) is hard." At those moments, we don't think, "I'm so grateful my life is so great." We spiral out of control.
Here's the funny thing about that. We get in this funk, and all of the sudden we get sick, our relationships fall apart, we get into financial trouble, and things start going wrong left and right. At that point, we have a few choices: crawl into bed and don't get out for a few months; medicate the bad feelings with food, alcohol, drugs, or our vice of choice; or start climbing back out of the hole we're in. However we got into the dark place, climbing out can be the hardest thing we ever do. Here are a few tips from someone who has gone to the dark place a few times and come out a little stronger on the other side:
Be present.
When your dark thoughts take over, they will often take you on a lovely nostalgic tour of all the awful events of your past. You replay heartbreaks, betrayals, tragedies, and humiliations over and over again in your mind as some kind of self-abuse. You regret your own actions, worry about the future, obsess about all the other awful things that could happen, feel sorry for yourself. That thought pattern keeps you in the dark place. Come to this moment and engage all your senses in improving this moment. Meditate (i.e., just breathe and focus on your breath) or take a silent walk in nature and clear your head. The results are immediate and certain. Observe the moment you are in fully and completely and make it count.
Focus on you.
In my experience, people often don't like to take responsibility for their own unhappiness. They prefer to blame extenuating circumstances and other people. They think maybe revenge will make them feel better. Or they believe if they can somehow control others' behavior, they will be happy. (I'm especially guilty of that magical thinking!) I saw a wonderful quote on this subject recently:
"All blame is a waste of time. No matter how much fault you find with another, and regardless of how much you blame him, it will not change you. The only thing blame does is to keep the focus off you when you are looking for external reasons to explain your unhappiness or frustration. You may succeed in making another feel guilty about something by blaming him, but you won't succeed in changing whatever it is about you that is making you unhappy." - Dr. Wayne Dyer
Instead, work on making yourself healthier. Explore the patterns that lead to your unhappiness. Take care of yourself - mind, body and soul. In my house, the saying is true: "If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."
Be kind.
"A loving person lives in a loving world. A hostile person lives in a hostile world; everyone you meet is your mirror." - Ken Keyes, Jr.
Have you ever walked into a room and instantly felt worse just from the energy in the room? You see the scowls of the people and hear the angry words between them, and it's like dark clouds fill the space. Conversely, have you ever walked into a room full of people laughing and smiling and instantly felt happier, like someone flipped on a lightswitch? You can be that light switch for yourself and those around you. In his book, The Power of Intention
"If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion." - Dalai Lama
Connect. Connect with your Higher Power through prayer. Connect with other human beings. Call them, get out of the house and see them, maybe even read some Facebook posts. Call friends, attend groups, take classes. If nothing else, the distraction will help. For me, hugging my kids helps tremendously. And talking with my spouse or my friends helps me to think through problems or issues, and often they offer me a perspective I hadn't thought of.
Read. Read self improvement books or books that make you smile. Read books that teach you a new skill. Read daily meditations and inspirations. This is a neat calendar with things to read every day that will help you to feel happier:
Also, check out Positively Positive on Facebook for a daily jolt of inspiration.
And finally . . .
Act happy. Choose it. Choose to smile and laugh and act as if you're happy. Do something fun and exciting - preferably something active like dancing or sports. Take a class you've always wanted to take. You can change the physiology of your brain with your behaviors. You just need to decide that you want to be happy . . . that you *can* be happy. The power is yours.
Nothing to Fear But Fear Itself: Written September 4, 2011
Franklin D. Roosevelt gave us this little nugget of wisdom: "Only thing we have to fear is fear itself." I find myself thinking on this as I sit in a hotel in NW Austin while a dozen brush fires burn around Central Texas. My stomach feels tense, my heart is racing, my breath is shallow, and I'm anxious as Hell. And I'm nowhere near the fires.
This anxiety doesn't originate from the actual fear of impending danger, which is evolutionarily the reason we feel fear. Rabbit fears predator and runs away as fast as its little legs will carry it. Result: survival. This anxiety comes from empathy for those in harm's way, helplessness on my part, concern for my friends in the area, hopelessness at the prospect that a limited number of firefighters can control so many fires being spread by powerful winds . . . and yes, fear of eventual personal danger. What if the fires come HERE? These kinds of thoughts spiral out of control fueling one another, just as the fire is fueled by the brush in its path. To make matters worse, I watch news coverage and read online updates showing the extent of the damage and alerting us to new dangers. That would be the wind in this metaphor, I guess, spreading the fear in broad swaths across my mind and body.
Here's the thing. I can get worked up about anything this way. So can you. Let's take this theory for a spin. Try water for example. One word . . . water. You know gas is getting into our water. People in DFW can light a match by their water faucet and catch the water on fire. That's going in your BODY. There are lots of other contaminants in the water too. And there's not enough water. The drought is killing trees and farms. In other places there's too much water, and people are losing their lives and houses. And by the way, many countries in the world don't have drinkable water. Don't drink the water in Mexico. You could die. It's all very terrible and overwhelming. Best just to buy water bottled from streams. Except that my friend Laura said she drank from a fresh water stream and then walked upstream and found a dead animal in the stream. So who knows really?
See what I mean?
You can try it with words like "car" (tickets, repairs, wrecks, carjackings, getting trapped under water, being stranded); "man" (rapist, kidnapper, abuser, burglar, murderer, pedophile, pervert); "nature" (hurricanes, tornadoes, earthquakes, fires (!), floods, droughts, heat, bugs, snakes, wolves); and on and on . . . I can even do it with "walk." My grandfather died after falling and hitting his head. I could decide, therefore, not to ever walk again. It can kill you after all.
EVERYTHING can be scary if you let the negative thoughts take hold.
Now for another precious nugget: Ignorance is bliss. Maybe not knowing about scary things is the answer. Some people go that route and spend their lives feeling quite content. For me, though, knowledge is power. So that one doesn't fit. I believe in being informed and trying to make a difference where you can.
So I go with stopping the thoughts. The only way to keep the fear from controlling you is to control the fear. Breathe. Meditate. Pray. Think good thoughts. Take reasonable precautions against REAL threats. And then do something else - something productive or fun or helpful. Do something. Put the fire out in your head before it consumes you.
Saturday, April 5, 2014
Excuses be gone! Written February 29, 2012
[Cut for relevance]
How am I overcoming the excuses this year? I finally internalized Wayne Dyer's lessons about dismissing the excuses - the fear - that have been keeping me from following my bliss. For those who haven't read his book or heard his presentation, here are the classic excuses people use and the affirmations Dr. Dyer suggests to cancel them out:
- It will be difficult. Affirmation: I have the ability to accomplish any task I set my mind to with ease and comfort.
- It’s going to be risky. Affirmation: Being myself involves no risks. It’s my ultimate truth and I live fearlessly.
- It will take a long time. Affirmation: I have infinite patience to fulfill my own destiny.
- There will be family drama. Affirmation: I’d rather be loathed for who I am than loved for who I’m not.
- I don’t deserve it. Affirmation: I’m a divine creation, a piece of God. How can I be undeserving?
- It’s not my nature. Affirmation: My essential nature is perfect and faultless. It is to this nature that I return.
- I can’t afford it. Affirmation: I am connected to an unlimited source of abundance.
- No one will help me. Affirmation: The right circumstances and the right people are already here and will show up on time.
- It’s never happened before. Affirmation: I am open and willing to attract all that I desire beginning here and now.
- I’m not strong enough. Affirmation: I have access to unlimited assistance. My strength comes from my connection to my source.
- I’m not smart enough. Affirmation: I’m a creation of the divine mind. All is perfect and I am a genius in my own right.
- I’m too old/not old enough. Affirmation: I am an infinite being. The age of my body has no bearing on what I do or who I am.
- The rules won’t let me. Affirmation: I live my life according to divine rules.
- It’s too big. Affirmation: I think only about what I can do now. By thinking small I accomplish great things.
- I don’t have the energy. Affirmation: I feel passionately about my life, and this passion fills me with excitement and energy.
- It’s my personal family history. Affirmation: I live in the present moment by being grateful for all my life experiences as a child.
- I’m too busy. Affirmation: As I unclutter my life, I free myself to answer the callings of my soul.
- I’m too scared. Affirmation: I can accomplish anything I put my mind to because I know I’m never alone.
So what are you not doing? What excuses are you hiding behind? Whatever it is, you can do it. Look at me. I'm all kinds of outside my comfort zone right now, but I'm surviving and I'm excited. So come on in. The water's fine.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)