Love Languages and Logic: Written September 12, 2011

As I mentioned in a status this morning, I keep hearing about all the things not to do as a parent. Don't reward with TV and electronics, sweets, money, or toys. Don't feed them junk food. Don't use TV as a babysitter. Don't overschedule them. Don't let the early years go by without teaching them everything (their brains are sponges!). Don't let them go anywhere alone, lest they be victimized. Don't let them get too much sun. Don't let them get too little sun. Don't let them sit on the couch all day. Don't yell at them. Don't beat them. AAAAACK!! By the time you haven't done all the other stuff, they're usually so whiny and bored that you really, REALLY want to yell at them or beat them. It's overwhelming. 

The Don'ts frustrate the heck out of me, but the Do's I can live with. There I feel less overwhelmed and more empowered. So I'd like to share a few I've picked up along the way.

DO:

• Be consistent! Be consistent with your rules, your consequences, your rewards, and even your own behavior. This one is so difficult, but essential. If they don't know what's expected of them, and they believe the consequences and rewards can be negotiated easily, you've lost your leverage. And for sure they need to see you modeling the behavior.
• Allow your child to suffer the natural consequences of his/her actions. The child forgets his homework, and he gets the 0 or the late grade. If mom runs it up to school, he learns that he doesn't have to worry. Mom will clean up his messes and solve his problems.
• Use empathy. When your child suffers a consequence, say something like, "That's a real shame." Resist the (very strong for me) urge to say, "I told you that would happen. If you would have only listened to your mom . . . "
• Let kids work out their own problems, so long as it's safe to do so. If your daughter is drowning or about to get run over, you need to intervene. But if she's struggling to button her jacket, let her struggle. She'll feel proud when she does it herself. Another hard one for a control freak like me. 

These gems are primarily from the Parenting with Love and Logic book and course. Plenty more where those came from! Check the program out. You will not regret it.

But my favorite Do in parenting comes from another awesome program/book: The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Do love your kids . . . in their love languages. Chapman asserts that people give and receive love in different ways, depending on their personalities. Your "love language" may be 1) receiving (giving) gifts, 2) quality time, 3) physical touch, 4) acts of service, or 5) words of affirmation.

While we all like some of each of these, most of us have one or two that really make us feel loved and valued. Kids are no different. While I know that Sophia enjoys being hugged and told she's loved, she feels truly loved when she gets a gift - however small. While Katarina enjoys special Mommy or Daddy time or someone making a nice card for her, she NEEDS to be hugged and snuggled. The love languages approach, originally designed for partners, really works wonders with kids.

You'll be amazed at how far a kid - or anyone really - who feels genuinely loved and valued can go. I can't wait to find out myself!