Marriage and Divorce: Written September 1, 2011

Marriage is a touchy topic for a lot of people. We all want to be thought of as having a perfect, wonderful home life. But who can truly say they have the perfect marriage? Can you? If so, please tell us the secret. Doesn't count if you've been married less than a year, though. You may still just be blinded by the novelty of being in love. Those of us with 5 . . . 15 . . . 30 . . . years of marriage under our belt - we know, don't we? 


I just turned *40.* Many of my friends have recently, or are about to, turn 40. Something about turning 40 makes you reevaluate your life and wonder if you've been maximizing the potential of your life. Do I want the next 40 years (if I'm fortunate enough to have them) to look like the last 40? When it comes to marriage, you find yourself saying: Do I want to spend the next 40 years (insert qualifying remarks about if . . . ) with THIS person next to me? Maybe we're different people than we were when we fell in love. Do we even have anything in common anymore? Maybe we've come to take each other for granted. Maybe we're missing out on a really great thing with some other (named or unnamed) person out there by staying here. Maybe I deserve MORE. 

As I'm writing this, I find myself singing "Love's Recovery" by the Indigo Girls, so I'll share the lyrics, in case you don't have the entire thing committed to memory like I do.

"Love's Recovery" by the Indigo Girls

During the time of which I speak it was hard to turn the other cheek
To the blows of insecurity
Feeding the cancer of my intellect the blood of love soon neglected
Lay dying in the strength of its impurity
Meanwhile our friends we thought were so together
They've all gone and left each other in search of fairer weather
And we sit here in our storm and drink a toast
To the slim chance of love's recovery.
There I am in younger days, star gazing,
Painting picture perfect maps of how my life and love would be
Not counting the unmarked paths of misdirection
My compass, faith in love's perfection
I missed ten million miles of road I should have seen
Meanwhile our friends we thought were so together
Left each other one by one in search of fairer weather
And we sit here in our storm and drink a toast
To the slim chance of love's recovery.
Rain soaked and voice choked like silent screaming in a dream
I search for our absolute distinction
Not content to bow and bend
To the whims of culture that swoop like vultures
Eating us away, eating us away
Eating us away to our extinction
Oh how I wish I were a trinity, so if I lost a part of me
I'd still have two of the same to live
But nobody gets a lifetime rehearsal, as specks of dust we're universal
To let this love survive would be the greatest gift we could give
Tell all the friends who think they're so together
That these are ghosts and mirages, these thoughts of fairer weather
Though it's storming out I feel safe within the arms of love's discovery. 

This song embodies the survivalist attitude it takes to make marriage work in today's American society - a society that encourages us to "look out for number one," to not be trapped, to never "settle," to find someone who "makes" you happy. I want to take a moment to point out the irony here that I'm using a song written by someone who *can't legally marry* her partner in most states in this country to illustrate what it takes to make marriage work. And people think being gay is the big "threat to marriage." But I digress . . . 

When you're in that mindset of not being happy in a marriage and wanting a spouse to "make you happy," the thought that "these are ghosts and mirages, these thoughts of fairer weather" might be impossible to accept or even comprehend. You think, "Anything is better than this." I don't believe that's true, though - not unless you're in an abusive relationship. If you're in an abusive relationship, then yes. Get out. Otherwise, you can choose to abandon a sinking ship or to try and plug the leak, seal and repaint. Both are really hard to do, and the choice is not an obvious one.

I've been there. My spouse has been there. In 17 years of marriage and 22 years of relationship, we have ridden the roller coaster. We're still on it. I've thought about getting divorced. I've considered it very seriously several times - the latest of which was this March, two months before my fortieth birthday. But I have the great fortune of having TONS of resources and an enormous support network, as well as a wonderful, kind, patient husband who will willingly put in the hard work it takes to evolve our marriage to fit the needs of everyone in the family. I'll also give myself some credit for doing tons of work over the last few years on my own issues of codepency, love addiction, and a touch of adult ADD. The solutions for me come down to codependency recovery, meditation, reading The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, and getting involved in the Retrouvaille (www.helpourmarriage.com) marriage recovery program. These things have all changed my life into a joyful, love-filled, and serene existence. 

I'm eternally grateful for that and so glad to still be on the roIler coaster. Because the alternative is a much scarier one - it's jumping out a plane without checking your parachute. Who knows what's out there? Yes, it's exciting and dangerous, but I prefer (and my kids do too!) to feel safe within the arms of love's discovery.