I remember once Marilyn Vos Savant replied to the question, "Should you follow your head or your heart?" with, "Whichever is smarter." I loved that response, because to me it all depends. I know that's a very lawyerly kind of answer. You ask a lawyer anything, and they'll likely respond with, "That depends . . . " followed by a long list of questions and conditions. But think about it. If a person's heart is telling them to go with the drug-addicted, wife beater, she has kind of a stupid heart. And if his head is telling him to stay at the boring, going nowhere job for fear of failing at the career he really wants with all his heart, he may be wasting his life away.
I believe it's more complicated than either of these clichés make it seem. I think, when we're conflicted - when our hearts tells us one thing and our minds tell us another - that we need to examine where the conflict is rooted. Does it come from a place of fear of the unknown, fear of failure, fear of being alone? If so, we're challenged to move beyond the fear and try the new thing. If, however, the conflict is rooted in a crisis of conscience or addiction or low self-esteem, perhaps what we think is our "heart" telling us something is really a darker force or influence. That's when you need to "use your head." Sometimes figuring out the "right thing to do" can be close to impossible.
I pose these scenarios for your consideration - a sort of "Scruples" game, if you will:
1. You work at a tire shop with a regular paycheck and decent benefits, but you're a very talented guitarist with an opportunity to open for a band. This would mean quitting your job, and you'll only be paid a small cut of the door. What do you do? Does it matter if you have a wife? A child?
2. You are married with three kids. Your husband treats you well and supports you and your kids, but neither of you is attracted to the other anymore. You meet the man of your dreams, who makes you feel alive and special and "gets" you. What do you do?
3. You live in a community you've lived in for many years. You have family, friends, a good job, a network of service providers and officials you trust, great neighbors, a terrific school for your kids. But you dream daily of living abroad, of introducing your kids to another culture. Do you pick up and go? What do you have to have in place first? A job lined up? Family or friends in the other country? Visit first?
What makes any of these the right choice? Was it that you followed your heart or that you used your head? I believe it's always a balancing act. I believe you really have to listen to both your heart and your head, breathe, and then move forward with caution toward what will bring you joy.
"The heart is forever making the head its fool."
-François de la Rochefoucauld
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