Men Are From Porn; Women Are From Soap Operas: Written September 2, 2011

I wrote previously about some of my thoughts on marriage. I find one thing that often contributes to the erosion of marital bliss is the role of romance in the relationship, in that most men think there isn't one. I have a theory on why men and women perceive this issue so differently. And that's that men are from porn, and women are from soap operas. 

I am given to understand that a large majority of men have partaken - at some point in their lives - of a great deal of pornography. Porn movies - for the one person out there who doesn't know - consist entirely of people (sometimes several at a time) meeting and then quickly deciding to have sexual relations of some sort. If this process takes more than five minutes, angry viewers are demanding their $12.99 (!) back. Generally, the sex is between very well-endowed, but otherwise homely, men and very well-endowed, but otherwise gorgeous women in a very well-lit room. (Good news, kids! You don't have to waste 5 minutes and $12.99 anymore because you can get immediate porn for free on the interwebs!) Lesson: Women will have sex with you if you look at them. And it helps if you have a big penis.

Now we women (most of us anyway) have grown up with soap operas and romantic comedies - "chick flicks" if you will. When I was in high school, Bo Brady would fill a small section of a wooded park with Christmas lights and hire a violinist, a caterer and a waiter just for a chance at getting lucky with the ridiculously beautiful super-model Hope. John Cusack stood outside Diane's house with a Peter-Gabriel-playing-boom-box. Richard Gere courted his prostitute girlfriend with flowers, jewels, fancy clothes, and swank digs in Pretty Woman. They all had candles. Lesson: Men should work really hard to get sex. Women should give in for nothing less.

Do you see any problem with this? Any conflicting messages? No? This post isn't for you then. For the rest of us, though, we're spending our adult lives trying to figure out why the opposite sex isn't behaving according to our expectations in this area.

Man (not holding flowers): "Why are you not wanting sex the minute I walk in the door and look at you, woman? Is it because my penis isn't big?"

Woman (not wearing teddy): "Um, hello-o? Where are my candles, jewels, violinist and Christmas lights?"

Grrr. Grumble, grumble. Men want easy sex; women want romance. Never the twain shall meet, except that they do, and then they have to figure out how to make it work.

I guess now that I've presented the problem, I'm supposed to offer a solution so I'm not just whining, right? Ok, here's what I've got: We keep in mind (like we did in early "in love" stages of the relationship) what the other person wants and give it to them and ask them to give us what we want. Novel little thing called "communication." And hopefully, everyone gets what they want just enough to be happy.

Got a better idea? 'Cause I'm all ears.