Letter to 14-Year-Old Me . . . Written January 28, 2012

Dear 14-Year-Old Me,

I know you feel quite certain that life majorly sucks and will never get better and maybe you're better off dead and that would show THEM! I know boys haven't figured out that Latinas are sexy and exotic, and no one's figured out that curly hair rocks in its natural, untouched state. I know that your parents are horrible people, because they want to know at all times that you're safe, and they don't want you getting mixed up with the "wrong kind of people," and they think everything you do will affect your future in some way.  I know you don't know what you want to do NOW, let alone for the rest of your life. I know that having curvy thighs and being one of the 5 tallest girls you know make you some kind of freak and having a close female friend earns you gay slurs. I know that you don't want to be a nerd anymore, but you don't have the first clue how to be cool. I know you want attention, but the only way you know how to get it is to sulk and hope someone asks you, "What's wrong?"I know that all these things make you want to cry and wear black clothes and black shit on your eyes all the time. ("Hey, I like that black shit!" you and Ally Sheedy reply.) 

I know all these things. I understand that they are very real and very painful for you right now. But I have news for you. It gets better. It gets better next year, and even better the year after that. And in three years, it gets unbelievably, exponentially better! And in six years, as a reward for making it through this crappy-ass year and the years to come, you get to spend a semester in Paris, baby! And after that . . . Well, it kind of goes downhill a little bit. But it never gets like it is now again.

Not even at your worst moments will you ever feel like you do now. You may have some bad times . . . some really awful, bad times . . . but you'll know that you have the strength to get through them. You'll know you have support and love. You'll know you have resources and tools to overcome the tough times. You'll learn that making friends is actually really easy if you're pleasant to be around and don't sulk all the time. Boys, and later men, will realize that curly-haired, Latinas are hot! You'll see that some of the sexiest women of all time had curvy thighs, and that being tall is awesome! And even though you'll probably never figure out what you want to be when you grow up, you'll find a bunch of things you love to do and are pretty darn good at. Most importantly, though, you'll realize that none of it matters if you learn to love yourself. (Cue Whitney Houston.) 

What I'm trying to tell you, dearest 14-year-old me, is that you can and will survive this. And doing so will make you stronger and better. So don't even think about ending it all, because as Dad says, "Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem." Your sadness is real, but it's temporary and in large part hormonally induced. Just wait until you see all the wonderful things that are in store for you! 

Love,

40-Year-Old Me

Follow Your Heart or Use Your Head? Written November 4, 2011

I remember once Marilyn Vos Savant replied to the question, "Should you follow your head or your heart?" with, "Whichever is smarter." I loved that response, because to me it all depends. I know that's a very lawyerly kind of answer. You ask a lawyer anything, and they'll likely respond with, "That depends . . . " followed by a long list of questions and conditions. But think about it. If a person's heart is telling them to go with the drug-addicted, wife beater, she has kind of a stupid heart. And if his head is telling him to stay at the boring, going nowhere job for fear of failing at the career he really wants with all his heart, he may be wasting his life away.

I believe it's more complicated than either of these clichés make it seem. I think, when we're conflicted - when our hearts tells us one thing and our minds tell us another - that we need to examine where the conflict is rooted. Does it come from a place of fear of the unknown, fear of failure, fear of being alone? If so, we're challenged to move beyond the fear and try the new thing. If, however, the conflict is rooted in a crisis of conscience or addiction or low self-esteem, perhaps what we think is our "heart" telling us something is really a darker force or influence. That's when you need to "use your head." Sometimes figuring out the "right thing to do" can be close to impossible.

I pose these scenarios for your consideration - a sort of "Scruples" game, if you will:

1. You work at a tire shop with a regular paycheck and decent benefits, but you're a very talented guitarist with an opportunity to open for a band. This would mean quitting your job, and you'll only be paid a small cut of the door. What do you do? Does it matter if you have a wife? A child? 

2. You are married with three kids. Your husband treats you well and supports you and your kids, but neither of you is attracted to the other anymore. You meet the man of your dreams, who makes you feel alive and special and "gets" you. What do you do? 

3. You live in a community you've lived in for many years. You have family, friends, a good job, a network of service providers and officials you trust, great neighbors, a terrific school for your kids. But you dream daily of living abroad, of introducing your kids to another culture. Do you pick up and go? What do you have to have in place first? A job lined up? Family or friends in the other country? Visit first? 

What makes any of these the right choice? Was it that you followed your heart or that you used your head? I believe it's always a balancing act. I believe you really have to listen to both your heart and your head, breathe, and then move forward with caution toward what will bring you joy.

"The heart is forever making the head its fool."

-François de la Rochefoucauld

All I Really Need to Know, I'm Learning from Oprah's Lifeclass: Written October 19, 2011

In the interest of full disclosure, I must admit that I am an Ellen Degeneres loyalist. Therefore, I didn't watch the Oprah Winfrey Show. However, this summer while Ellen was in reruns that I'd seen, I decided to watch reruns of the final season of Oprah. Two things happened: 1) I fell in love with Dr. Oz; 2) I finally clued into why Oprah isOPRAH. So now, I'm stuck juggling three daily shows - Ellen, Dr. Oz, and Oprah's Lifeclass on OWN. What really happens is that I select by topic and guest and allow stuff to play while I work, do laundry, exercise and clean house. (Still haven't made it through all of last week's episodes, though, let alone this week's.)

Anyway, I'm really loving Oprah's new show. She's reviewing the lessons she has learned in her life and bestowing them upon us like the goddess she is. Here is a "Cliff's Notes" version of the first week, as I heard it: 

Lesson 1: Free yourself from the false power of ego. Oprah celebrated Eckhart Tolle's book, A New Earth, in her book club some years ago. She continues to sing his praises and says that this first lesson is inspired by him. Her Oprahness asks us to look at ourselves and ask how do we identify ourselves? How do others identify us? Do the choices we make align with what we want from life? Are they genuine expressions of who we are?

I don't believe that I live a life based primarily on trying to be who others want me to be. I do struggle with this issue, though, in that my desire to make a difference in the world and help others is simultaneously a genuine expression of who I am and an expression of who I want others to think I am. So I guess I'm struggling with the distinction between ego and essence. More on that in a later post. 

Lesson 2: Let go of anger. Staying in a space of anger, vengeance-seeking, and inability to forgive is like eating poison and expecting someone else to die. Why spend your time allowing someone else - who perhaps has already wronged you - to ruin your life now? Let it go. You help no one by staying angry and not forgiving. The bitterness takes up space where goodness and beauty could be. You get to choose how much power people in your past have over your present. 

To those who believe forgiving means accepting that it was ok, Oprah says that:

"Forgiving means accepting that it HAS happened to you, not accepting that it was okay for it to happen. It is accepting that it HAS happened and now, what do I do about it? Forgiveness means giving up the hope that the past could be any different. Forgiving is giving up the hope that it could have been any other way than it actually was." 

I love this concept and think I've done a pretty good job of embracing it. If anything, my inability to hold grudges opens me up to getting hurt again. But I'm much happier being vulnerable than being angry.

Lesson 3: You become what you believe. Oprah's mother was a maid, and what she hoped for Oprah was that when she became a maid, she would fine "good white folks" who would treat her well. But Oprah believed she'd be more than that - much more. We've all heard a thousand stories of poor people, disabled people, underdogs, and recovering addicts who have manifested a fantastic life for themselves, in spite of their obstacles. The key is to see the blessings and believe you can be what you want to be. Oprah calls it a "heart calling." Joseph Campbell referred to it as following your bliss:  "When you follow your bliss... doors will open where you would not have thought there would be doors; and where there wouldn't be a door for anyone else.”

I had the great fortune of growing up with many opportunties - a good house, two loving parents, great schools, health, and natural abilities and talents. Still, I've faced my share of struggles with self-esteem, love addiction, codependency, and a few other issues. Though I've never believed there were a lot of things I couldn't do, I find it difficult to focus on any one thing that I believe I'm supposed to do - called to do. Yes, parenting for sure, but what else? More on this later as well.

Lesson 4: The truth will set you free. This lesson began by focusing on one of my favorite people. Hint: I started this post talking about her. I'll give you a second to scroll back and look if you forgot. Find it? Yes, that's right. Ellen! She showed clips from an Oprah episode Ellen was on just after she came out. Though she experienced so much pushback and abuse from people over doing so, Ellen felt so great about coming out because she was finally being true to herself. She didn't feel shame over being who she was and decided she needed to live in accordance with that. 

I've been told many times that I'm very honest - "brutally honest" one person called me. But it's only in the past few years of doing real work on myself and my marriage that I've been honest about who I am and what my secrets are. I have a handful of people in my life who I trust who know everything about me, and I feel really liberated by that. And anyone reading this blog knows a lot about me that perhaps others might not choose to share. I feel liberated by that, too. If you know me at all, I want you to know the real me. 

Lesson 5: Joy Rising. Oprah says she will dedicate Fridays to joy. First of all, that's a great idea: dedicate Fridays to joy! The first week, she talked about how gratifying it was to be able to do the great car giveaway. "You get a car! You get a car! You get a car! EVERY BODY GETS A CAR!" She also revisited a couple of other dreams she was able to make come true for people. Mostly this episode showed how nice it is to have tons of money to be able to give people cars and houses. But the lesson I came away from it with was what she said at the end: that every time she was able to do something like that, the joy came back to her 100 times over. This is what I referred to in my last post ("Pursuit of Happiness") about how the person performing the act of kindness accesses even more happiness from doing so than the receiver in many cases. Again the lesson is BE KIND. 

So that's what I learned last week. I'm excited by this show because it combines two of my favorite things: self-improvement and watching TV. :-) Check it out. You might learn something!

Must See TV Worth Watching Where Characters Are Welcome: Written September 20, 2011

Summer. I can handle three months of 100+ degree temperatures and having to entertain children (indoors!) 24/7, while still keeping up my house and part-time lawyer job. At night, however, when I collapse - exhausted and overheated - on the couch, reach for the remote, and scan the DVR to find only four episodes of Wizards of Waverly Place and three Wow, Wow Wubbzies, it really is almost too much to bear. I make due with a couple of summer series and some reruns. I catch up on some movies. All the while something is missing.

Then school starts, the volunteer work and Mommy taxi service begin, the temperatures fall (Ha! Just kidding!), and life takes on a sense of normality. At the end of the day, I collapse - exhausted and still overheated - on the couch, reach for the remote, scan the DVR, and find . . . four episodes of Wizards of Waverly Place and three Wow, Wow Wubbzies. Because it's August, and the TV season doesn't start up for four more weeks. 

Now here we are in the third week of September. In the last 48 hours, I've watched the Emmy's and Ellen's Emmy show (thanks, Ellen, for starting your new season LAST week!). I've watched half of the Dancing with the Stars premiere, and I currently haveThe Sing-Off playing in the background. In the next ten days, I'll watch the premieres of Glee, Desperate Housewives, Modern Family, The Office, Grey's Anatomy, House, Pan Am, and Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. At some point, Mad Men will be back. Of course, there's year round Jon Stewart. I may give Dexter a shot - though their promos about how "disturbing" this season will be don't do it for me. If you're doing the math, I will take in around 20 hours of programming per week this TV season. And you know what? I'm not ashamed. 

We have such a schitzophrenic society where television is concerned. "Experts" (on television) tell us not to watch television. They also tell us laughter is the best medicine. No one makes me laugh harder than Ellen, Jon, and the Modern Family andOffice folks. They tell us to connect with other people. In my opinion, few topics connect people more than TV (or sports, but you watch those on TV, too). They tell us to be informed about our bodies. One of my summer fill-in shows was Dr. Oz. I learned as much watching him for three months as I learned from reading books and magazines over the last five years. They tell us to keep up on current events. Again, I offer you Jon Stewart. They tell us to be compassionate. Watching Extreme Makeover: Home Edition opens my eyes to the hardships and heroism of other people every week. I always want to help someone somehow after watching that show. They tell us to learn about history. Who hasn't picked up a thing or two about the 60s from Mad Men? (I have high hopes for Pan Am.) And they tell us to release our emotions with a cathartic good cry every once in a while. That's where my dramas fit in. 

People, I don't watch TV because I enjoy it. I watch it because it's good for me! Ok, I watch it because I enjoy it; but I also feel strongly that TV has value and can actually contribute to making you a better person. The trick is balance. I watch TV while I do laundry, sort through paperwork, look at Facebook, blog, stretch, exercise. Some would say I should just commit to doing one thing at a time. Be present. But who has the time? I do avoid TV that makes me mad, stressed, frustrated or scared (no Fox News for me!). I avoid TV that sucks me into a dark place (hence my questioning a place for Dexter in my life). I embrace uplifting television, television with a positive message. Even the trash has its place, though. Sometimes you just need to turn off your brain for a little while. Just remember to turn it back on! If TV isn't for you, I respect that. But TV and I are good friends, and I don't diss my friends. 

Old Habits Die Hard: Written September 8, 2011

I knew a lovely, kind, brilliant, creative man named Erick. He dedicated his life to advocating for and helping educators. He mentored me in my work for the teachers union and was a dear friend. He was also an incredibly gifted sculptor. Erick was many things, and I admired him so much. He knew how to be competent and passionate about his work, and then leave his work behind at the end of the day and be present and passionate in his life. He and his lovely wife had an amazing home and tons of friends. I really loved Erick. He loved life and devoured it with all his senses. Erick wanted to have a good time even if it killed him, and it did. He smoked all day long and ate the same fattening meal at the Dog and Duck Pub every day. And at 62, he dropped dead of a heart attack. 

I truly don't know what caused his heart attack, but I'm guessing the burgers, smokes and beers on the weekend didn't help. And I can't help but be a little mad at him for not treating his body better. He robbed us all - especially his wife Raychelle - of many more years of his talents and joyful spirit. He had planned to retire this year. I'm wondering if he had it to do over again, would he make different choices? Would he pull a Bill Clinton and turn vegan? Sadly, he doesn't get to do it over - at least not in this lifetime. But we still get to make the good choices. We still get to decide to give ourselves and our loved ones the gift of a few more years on this planet to discover all the beautiful things we have yet to discover. (I know. We could die in a car accident or a flood, but let's control what we can. See my post on Fear.)

Ok, so we all know what we're *supposed* to do: eat healthy, exercise, meditate, avoid drugs and alcohol, minimize stress. It's so much easier to sit on the couch eating chips, drinking beer and watching TV, though! You know why? Habit. It's all just habit. My friends who love to ride their bikes, hike, jog, do yoga, teach P90X, etc.; they don't think it's easier to sit around. They prefer to move. They're in the habit of moving. I'm in the habit of practicing tai chi and/or meditation every day. I started these in my mid and late 30s. People who don't eat meat (I'm one of those too!), don't eat sweets (I'm NOT one of those!), cook their own meals from fresh ingredients every day (I'm trying to be one of those), etc.; most of them don't think about it. It's just habit. If you're not one of those people, you have to decide to CREATE the habit is the thing. And further, you have to REPLACE the bad habits with the good ones. It's too hard to say, "I'll just quit." You have to replace the smoking with something else. And often you need support from other people. That's what 12 step groups and Weight Watchers meetings are for: cheerleaders, motivators, people with ideas and experience. I would be a broken person if it weren't for my support network. And I'd probably be a thinner person if I'd start going to the darn Weight Watchers meetings! We do what can. As they say in recovery: Progress not perfection. But that's a topic for another post.

Want to change your habits? Did you know you can reprogram the chemistry in your brain in two weeks? In three months, you can measure life expectancy changes. And in three years, you get 90% of the benefit you will get from living healthy. I have all this on good authority - Dr. Oz - so it's gold, baby. This means that if you've been overweight all your life, it's not too late to change! You've been a smoker for 20 years. It's not too late to change! You know you shouldn't be drinking every day, but you do anyway. It's not too late to change! You're stressed out all the time, but it's just how you are. It's not too late to change! You wish you made time for your family and yourself, but it's just not the way your life is. It's not too late to change! Are you still alive? Then it's NOT TOO LATE TO CHANGE! That's the good news. YAY! The the not-so-good news . . . you need to decide to change. 

Dedicated to Erick . . .

Crazy: Written September 13, 2011

One of my top five favorite karaoke songs to sing (I love karaoke!) is "Crazy" by Patsy Cline. Beautiful song. If somehow you have existed on this planet without hearing it, it goes:

Crazy, I'm crazy for feeling so lonely.

I'm crazy, crazy for feeling so blue.

I knew you'd love me as long as you wanted

And then someday you'd leave me for somebody new.

Worry, why do I let myself worry?

Wond'ring what in the world did I do?

Crazy for thinking that my love could hold you

I'm crazy for trying and crazy for crying

And I'm crazy for loving you.

Crazy for thinking that my love could hold you

I'm crazy for trying and crazy for crying

And I'm crazy for loving you.

I love it because - aside from being awesome - it captures the true nature of love for co-dependents and love addicts. "If I just love you enough, I can make you love me back." "What? You love me? Sure you do now, but how long before you fall in love with someone else and leave me?" "Maybe if I hold on real tight and control who you meet and where you go and who you talk to, then you won't leave me." "I knew you'd leave me. I'm stupid for being sad about you, since you're a jerk. No. I'm the jerk. I did something wrong. I can do better. How do I get you back?" Crazy, crazy, crazy!

You think you're complimenting someone when you say you're "crazy about" them, but they really should be scared. This isn't normal thinking, kids. When someone says "my ex was crazy," they speak truth. But the person talking drove the car they went to Crazytown in. Did you ever see "Once More With Feeling" the "Buffy" musical? At one point Spike (vampire whose love for Buffy is unrequited) sings: "The torch I bear is scorching me. Buffy’s laughing I’ve no doubt. I hope she fries! I’m free if that bitch dies! I’d better help her out." Oh, Spike. Time to go see a vampire shrink. You are *crazy.*

Then there's the kinds of crazy codependents and love addicts flock to: addict crazy, emotionally unpredictable crazy, emotionally unavailable crazy, narcissistic crazy. Those are the heartbreakers. For those folks, I offer Alanis Morissette (lyrics by Meredith Brooks).

I'm a Bitch

I hate the world today. 

You're so good to me 

I know but I can't change 

Tried to tell you 

but you look at me like maybe I'm an angel underneath 

innocent and sweet. 

Yesterday I cried. 

You must have been relieved to see the softer side. 

I can understand how you'd be so confused. 

I don't envy you. 

I'm a little bit of everything 

all rolled into one. 

Chorus

I'm a bitch, I'm a lover 

I'm a child, I'm a mother 

I'm a sinner, I'm a saint 

I do not feel ashamed 

I'm your health, I'm your dream 

I'm nothing in between 

You know you wouldn't want it any other way. 

So take me as I am. 

This may mean you'll have to be a stronger man. 

Rest assured that when I start to make you nervous 

and I'm going to extremes, 

tomorrow I will change 

and today won't mean a thing. 

Chorus 

Just when you think you've got me figured out 

the season's already changing. 

I think it's cool you do what you do 

and don't try to save me. 

Chorus 

I'm a bitch, I'm a tease 

I'm a goddess on my knees 

when you hurt, when you suffer 

I'm your angel undercover 

I've been numbed, I'm revived 

can't say I'm not alive 

You know I wouldn't want it any other way. 

That's some crazy shit, and we all identify with it on some level. Admit it. You either see yourself a little in that person, or you're attracted to someone like that. If not, then congratulations. You're sane.

Another favorite song, which I enjoy belting out in the car especially, is Gnarls Barkley's "Crazy":

I remember when, I remember

I remember when I lost my mind.

There was something so pleasant about that place.

Even your emotions have an echo in so much space.

And when you're out there without care

Yeah, I was out of touch

But it wasn't because I didn't know enough

I just knew too much.

Does that make me crazy?

Does that make me crazy?

Does that make me crazy?

Possibly

And I hope that you are

Having the time of your life.

But think twice.

That's my only advice.

Come on now, who do you

Who do you, who do you, who do you think you are?

Ha ha ha, bless your soul

You really think you're in control?

Well, I think you're crazy.

I think you're crazy.

I think you're crazy.

Just like me.

It goes on, but you get the gist. I like this approach. Embrace the crazy. Accept that trying to control everything makes you crazy. Accept that departing from reality has its benefits.

I'm drawn to crazy. It can be fun, interesting, challenging, pleasant, and certainly exciting. Normal bores me. Does that make me crazy? Possibly. Well, if you've read this far, I think you're crazy - just like me.

Love Languages and Logic: Written September 12, 2011

As I mentioned in a status this morning, I keep hearing about all the things not to do as a parent. Don't reward with TV and electronics, sweets, money, or toys. Don't feed them junk food. Don't use TV as a babysitter. Don't overschedule them. Don't let the early years go by without teaching them everything (their brains are sponges!). Don't let them go anywhere alone, lest they be victimized. Don't let them get too much sun. Don't let them get too little sun. Don't let them sit on the couch all day. Don't yell at them. Don't beat them. AAAAACK!! By the time you haven't done all the other stuff, they're usually so whiny and bored that you really, REALLY want to yell at them or beat them. It's overwhelming. 

The Don'ts frustrate the heck out of me, but the Do's I can live with. There I feel less overwhelmed and more empowered. So I'd like to share a few I've picked up along the way.

DO:

• Be consistent! Be consistent with your rules, your consequences, your rewards, and even your own behavior. This one is so difficult, but essential. If they don't know what's expected of them, and they believe the consequences and rewards can be negotiated easily, you've lost your leverage. And for sure they need to see you modeling the behavior.
• Allow your child to suffer the natural consequences of his/her actions. The child forgets his homework, and he gets the 0 or the late grade. If mom runs it up to school, he learns that he doesn't have to worry. Mom will clean up his messes and solve his problems.
• Use empathy. When your child suffers a consequence, say something like, "That's a real shame." Resist the (very strong for me) urge to say, "I told you that would happen. If you would have only listened to your mom . . . "
• Let kids work out their own problems, so long as it's safe to do so. If your daughter is drowning or about to get run over, you need to intervene. But if she's struggling to button her jacket, let her struggle. She'll feel proud when she does it herself. Another hard one for a control freak like me. 

These gems are primarily from the Parenting with Love and Logic book and course. Plenty more where those came from! Check the program out. You will not regret it.

But my favorite Do in parenting comes from another awesome program/book: The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Do love your kids . . . in their love languages. Chapman asserts that people give and receive love in different ways, depending on their personalities. Your "love language" may be 1) receiving (giving) gifts, 2) quality time, 3) physical touch, 4) acts of service, or 5) words of affirmation.

While we all like some of each of these, most of us have one or two that really make us feel loved and valued. Kids are no different. While I know that Sophia enjoys being hugged and told she's loved, she feels truly loved when she gets a gift - however small. While Katarina enjoys special Mommy or Daddy time or someone making a nice card for her, she NEEDS to be hugged and snuggled. The love languages approach, originally designed for partners, really works wonders with kids.

You'll be amazed at how far a kid - or anyone really - who feels genuinely loved and valued can go. I can't wait to find out myself!